david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
