I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
