tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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