Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
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You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.