I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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