he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
