I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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