my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
