you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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