found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
