I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
