put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
