she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
