Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We just shotgunned beers for America
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
