One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
