Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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