Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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