this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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