Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
