I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
