i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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