Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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