So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
