What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
