somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
