Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
