if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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