i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
