apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
ttyl tear gas
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
