just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
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Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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