the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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