Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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