and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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