My liver just broke up with me...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
