So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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