i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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