Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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