opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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