I like to think it a success when the cops are called
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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