He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
