I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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