he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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