I accidentally had phone sex last night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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