I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
