You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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