I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
