I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.