I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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