I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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