oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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