Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
