He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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