'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
