i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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