i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wear drunk well.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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