I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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