So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
