I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
