Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
