Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
